The 8 foot tall sign in the hotel lobby was… intriguing.
Maybe it was the man’s enthusiasm. Maybe the typography. Or maybe the luxury cars photoshopped into the background…
How to Build an 8 Figure Business in 10 weeks!
Wow. Wonder what the hell that means?
I been in business for a while. But never heard reference of “FIGURE” businesses before this whole Internet Marketing game got popular.
Go from 4 to 5 figures in 6 Easy Steps!
Scale Your 1 Figure Business To 10 Figures!!
Turn That 6 Figure Frown Upside Down!!!
I made that last one up. It’s not really a thing – (yet.)
As much as I’ve seen the ads telling me how important a 7, 8, 9 or even 10 Figure business is to have these days, I’m starting to doubt my methods.
I’ve always looked at my business health in revenues and profits. Is that no longer cool?
There’s figures in there and everything. Of course I can’t guarantee figures in 10-weeks – so no, probably not. Mine would read more like:
Yeah, the poster just doesn’t cut it. After all, according to the last session I attended, it’s more important to have a catchy headline than anything else. What good is your content if no one attends right?
So, how will they know if I cheat on my 8-Figure status?
How does one actually tabulate 8-Figures? Perhaps there’s some wiggle room in the rules for me to become an 8-Figure Dominatator?
Do the numbers BEHIND the decimal point count?
I could have my book keeper carry out to the third digit…$10,701.239 That’s three extra figures in less than 5-minutes.
Ho Shit! There’s my hook. I should teach a course…
3-Extra Figures in 5-Minutes Mastery!
I dunno. I guess I’ll go to the session anyhow.
Maybe it’s the hero-movie, action wording in the sign. Or maybe the edgy, dual exclamation point use that’s piqued my interest.
Maybe I’m just tired.
After all, these three-day, entrepreneurial events are exhausting.
I mean what, with all the posing and lecturing. All that can really wear a guy down.
Me having to look and talk successful-like. All the while knowing, I’ve got less than a hundred bucks in my travel account. Cashflow’s a bitch.
I hope there’s a session for that topic.
The hotel bill was paid for with a credit card that’s so sketchy, I actually broke out in a sweat when the check-in girl tried to run it. And it wasn’t the first try. The first card I gave her declined. I made up some excuse that sounded all Executivy.
Smiling and digging for plastic that wouldn’t instantly evaporate into dust when handed over I stammered, “Hmm? I don’t understand. I’ll uh… have to contact my secretary and see what’s going on with the bank. It’s probably because I’m charging so much away from home. Ha ha.” or some such drivel to save face.
“You know how bankers they’ll do that. Cut off my spending. Trying to protect all those wads and stacks of cash I have. They keep it safe for me in a vault. It’s a piggy bank locked inside a big steel room.”
All these ambitious, young wantrepreneurs stand impatiently in line behind me. Faces glued to smartphones. Probably checking the orders piling in and worrying how they’re going to scale.
Later, I learned my first digital entrepreneur gaffe. I shouldn’t have used the word secretary. That’s soooo old school. They’re now called Assistants, or Virtual Assistants or VAs or something. I’ve been working with people virtually for 10 years. I’ve not even met half my staff. Ghost in the machine.
That’s the other thing. The vernacular has changed. Not the definition behind it. But the word the definition represents. And word use is important to becoming an 8-Figure Dominator.
I’m supposed to call my staff contractors. Closing a sale is now Conversions. Advertising is now Lead Gen. Lead Source is now Funnel. Customer Profile is Avatar. (Not the movie. Unless your customer is a blue, eight foot jungle elf. Then it’s an Avatar, Avatar.)
You’d think they’d come up with a new word for entreprenerur? It’s so damn hard to spell. And it’s hard to speak when you’re telling someone what you do at a dinner party. Especially with a mouthful of noodles. Sounds like onrapranooah.
How ’bout let’s come up with a new one that’s easy and short? Baller? Or Bidnizzler? Interpooper? Those are good right? I can spell those.
A lot of times I screwed up and let slip in conversation that I’m a small business owner. Gawd, how embarrassing not referring to myself as an Entruhpraanuur.
I scribble these thoughts in the margins of my notepad. You may not recognize my note-taking device at this show. It’s a stack of long, yellow paper glued at the top.
A young entrepreneuron looked up from her Ipad and gave me a sad, Oh. You poor-old-man look, when she saw me sketching on my out-of-fashion, notepad. (Little did she know I was drawing dicks and titties.)
They used to be called legal pads. But now, I’m gonna rename it too. Call it a “IdeaBlaster”.
I tried sketching on my Ipad for a time – but it’s just not the same. I mean, I do love technology. Love it. But c’mon there’s gotta be a line. If I had all the money I’ve spent on devices and software over the years, I could build that damn, elusive dream home on the ocean.
I have systems to manage my systems. And what’s with the names? Slack, Nozbe, Basecamp, Wrike, Trello, Jinx, Trax. Sounds like platoon nicknames.
“Aight Boys! Listen up! We need to take Project Hill. Wrike you take Slack and Nozbe and flank ‘em. Me, Trello and Jinx will shove up the middle. Basecamp, you stay here and keep track of shit.”
Meh. Maybe not. Let her judge me and my “IdeaBlaster 3000”. (Yes, I upgraded by adding the logo to the cover.) I like the way a pen feels scratching across paper when I draw doodles. When I’m done, I snap a shot with my Iphone and text it to my Secre… I mean, Virtual Assistant to digitize. Like a Bosssss! He knows to overlook the dirty stuff and just translate the ideas.
So back to me becoming the next 8-Figure Dominatrix.
The room is packed. Seems like having 8-Figures is popular. Music is pumping. That’s good. We’re all so energetic and bustling around like chickens to find a seat. Entreprechickens.
Why am I so excited about a lecture? I mean really. Didn’t lectures bore the hell outta me in school? Those were free, usually taught by a 25 year-old, hot, single female. And I still skipped every chance I got. Here I am shelling out 7-Ffigures to learn how I can dominate 8.
Maybe it’s the shots I took in the hotel bar before I came in that’s got me hyped up? No. It’s probably our collective desire to make it. To be rich. To be 8-Figure Dominoes.
I pick a seat by the aisle, near the back half. I’m not a front-row-of-the-class, kinda guy. Didn’t you always want to choke the shit out’ta that guy? The one who always sat in the front row. Asking a question after every statement the teacher made. Trying his best to sound interested. I’m not that guy, I’m the other one who sat in the back waiting for a bell to save me.
Plus, by sitting in the back, I can jet out without drawing attention. The speaker may suck. Or, I may learn that I CAN use three figures behind the decimal point. In that case – BOOM! 8-Figure Dominion is mine and I don’t need no more schoolin’.
It’s a bonus session with not one, but like, four guys on stage. Their seated on stools, so it must be long session. Three of them are in suits. And one is in a ratty t-shirt and flippity flops.
He must be retired already. Just givin’ up some a that immense knowledge to help us little guys. You know, giving back. I’m being hypocritical of course. Aside from the toe-less shoe attire, I’m dressed the same. He looks better in his outfit for some reason. Maybe it’s the multi-figured confidence?
They’ve just barely begun and I’m already confused. I’m hoping they’ll tell us the specifics about their success. You know, what companies they built – product brands they sold. But no. John there made 8-Figures in his last business. Mark here made 9-Figures. And Kaleb currently has a 10-Figure launch. No mention of companies or brands I can google.
Their websites are a bit vague. It’s really compelling copy. The photos are nice. And there are a lot of well known media logos. As seen on MSNBC, CNN, Huffington Post… So they must be legit. Right?
Each one takes their turn. Apparently, I’ve been doing it all wrong. And they are very good at pointing out the pain that my wrongness has caused.
Man! If I don’t get this 8-Figure thing Dominated, I’m apparently fucked. But wait! There is a way. Now we get down to the real meat.
I won’t bore you with all the details. I’ve provided my notes here that you can use to summarize.
This session has really opened my eyes. And I can’t wait to get home and sign-up for their information products. Because, they hold the final key to me eventually dominating those frustrating last few figures…
Next time you see me, I will be an 8-Figure Dominatron!!!
— Robo is the product brand strategist behind GameStop online, XM Satellite Radio, Sony Handi-cam and a few other billion dollar brands. Why did he abandoned the corporate game? “The world needs great products. The ability to get products made and direct access to consumers, is our advantage to bring these products to market.” He can be reached through his executive assistant at email@example.com